Turkeys Revolt Against Brutal Thanksgiving-Day Treatment (Satire)


In Columbia Heights, a creative turkey stood in the middle of a bike lane in order to make the cyclists swerve into incoming traffic.

Bag Levarnca, Writer

Fed up with centuries of November horror, turkeys across the nation are violently protesting their Thanksgiving Day treatment.

Every year, 46 million turkeys are eaten for Thanksgiving.  For turkeys, every November brings the fear of being killed.  

Turkeys have organized peaceful protests about this matter before, but none of them have been successful.  A couple of years ago, about 20 turkeys tried to shut down a major highway but got run over by a cement truck.  Earlier this year, about a thousand turkeys tried to march in Washington, DC.  Their plan was foiled when none of them could figure out how to hold up the sign.  

Up to this point, however, no protests had ever gotten violent.  It all changed on November 10, when a turkey named Tom attacked a hunter in central Wisconsin, sending the man to the hospital.  The week before, Tom’s parents had been killed by hunters, and Tom was out for revenge.

Tom’s story caught on, and soon turkey attacks were taking place across the country.  In an interview with the New York Times, Tom stated, “Gobble gobble gurgle gobble gurgle,” which translates to “violence is the only way to bring about change.”

There have now been over 10,000 turkey attacks nationwide, with more expected as Thanksgiving draws nearer.  While a majority of attacks have occurred in rural areas, attacks have been reported in urban areas as well.

The turkey attacks have included turkeys flying into cars, dive-bombing people from trees, and ambushing people in their garages.  

Some attacks have been more bizarre.  In California, a turkey put on a suit and walked from house to house, acting like a salesperson.  Instead of selling things, he attacked those who let him in.  In Montana, a turkey posed as a bartender and spiked customers’ drinks with poison.  The turkey met its demise when it got thirsty and drank a spiked glass of water.  And in Missouri, it was reported that two turkeys used a hockey stick to trip people as they walked down a flight of stairs.

The government has issued an official warning, saying that if anyone sees a turkey engaging in any suspicious activities, they should stay away and alert the authorities immediately.