Democrats Willing to Confirm Gorsuch As Long As He Promises To Die Within 10 Years (Satire)

Neil Gorsuch responds to another question about his cholesterol level

Neil Gorsuch responds to another question about his cholesterol level

Caleb VanArragon and Andrew Davis


Chuck Schumer, Democratic Minority Leader for the US Senate, announced today that Democrats are willing to confirm Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court as long as he promises to die within ten years.  

At only 49 years of age, Gorsuch is the youngest nominee to the Supreme Court since 1991.  There are no term limits for members of the Supreme Court, meaning that the only way for them to leave the Court is through retirement or death.

Schumer said that the Democrats would focus the rest of the confirmation process on Gorsuch’s medical history, searching for any medical problem that could lead to a speedy death.  “We will be much less likely to confirm Gorsuch if he appears to be in good health, with no signs of kicking the bucket anytime soon.”  

If Gorsuch were to die within ten years of being confirmed, Democrats hope that he could be replaced with a more liberal judge.  Doing so would help tip the balance of power on the Supreme Court towards the Democrats.  As Minnesota Senator Al Franken explained in a press conference, “The faster Gorsuch croaks, the faster we get to find a replacement.”

Franken added that he had heard reports that Gorsuch had high blood pressure and a family history of heart disease, which he took as “extremely encouraging signs.”

He concluded by saying that “We want to make sure that we have the most favorable Supreme Court possible, but the truth is that with Trump as president, we’ll probably all be dead in ten years anyway.”