Trump Attempts To Give Up Twitter For Lent (Satire)


President Donald Trump

Caleb VanArragon and Andrew Davis


President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday that he was giving up Twitter for lent.

Lent is a religious observance in which Christians give up a food, behavior, etc. as a form of penance for God.  It lasts 40 days, starting on Ash Wednesday (March 1 this year) and ending on Easter Sunday.  

On the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday, also known as Fat Tuesday, people typically indulge in the thing they are giving up before they lose it for 40 days.  This would explain why Trump went on a 6,293-tweet rampage Tuesday, averaging nearly four tweets per minute and calling over 1,200 people a “loser” or a “dummy.”  

When asked how he would cope without the social media platform, Trump said, “I’m the best at lent — believe me.”  He then added, “I don’t need Twitter, I really don’t. I do hope that it’s still able to make money this next week while I’m off, but I need to prove I’m committed to making America great again.”  When Jim Acosta of CNN reminded Trump that lent lasts more than a week, Trump told him that CNN was “terrible, fake fake news,” and that he would only believe Acosta if Steve Bannon allowed him to.

For those of you worrying about not knowing Trump’s hourly activities and thoughts, you can rejoice in the fact that Trump can send an unblockable text message to every phone in America via the Warning, Alert, and Response Act of 2006.  Thanks, Bush.