Local Dog Needs To Get A Life [Satire]

Fluffy, a local pinscher

Fluffy, a local pinscher

Caleb VanArragon and Andrew Davis


Sources reported yesterday that Fluffy, a 4-year-old miniature pinscher owned by retiree Mrs. Wilson, needs to get a life.  

“Come on, buddy.  There’s a whole big world out there.  Go live in it.  Get a job.  Get some hobbies.  Do something meaningful with your life!” said Brandon House, a manager at a local gas station whose afternoon walk around the block was interrupted by Fluffy thunderously yipping at him.  

Observers have noted that Fluffy’s life consists of chasing squirrels halfway around the block, assaulting passerby with a barrage of high-pitched barks, and instigating fights with other dogs.  When he isn’t doing any of those things, he lays in the  driveway and does nothing.  

Tessa Elliot, Mrs. Wilson’s neighbor, said that Fluffy was a “worthless mutt” who needed to “stop being a time-wasting selfish meathead.”   She said that she was getting sick of him going “totally bonkers” every time that he spotted another dog, and that one of these days he should develop the social skills to interact with other dogs like a normal canine.

Steven Harrison, a fast-food employee, has a negative opinion of Fluffy due to the time that the canine managed to knock him off his bike.  Harrison didn’t want to recount the details of the experience, but he stated that Fluffy was a “total maniac” who “does absolutely nothing with his life except annoy the crap out of everyone around him.”  He made several other unprintable remarks, most of the which centered around Fluffy’s propensity for doing his business in other people’s yards.

We reached out to Mrs. Wilson, the owner of the canine in question, but received no response.

At press time, Fluffy had spotted a squirrel a few houses down and was letting out a yapping tirade loud enough to be heard five blocks away, leading several of the aforementioned witnesses to doubt whether he would ever find meaning in his life.