How Blaine High School Can Deal With Overcrowding [Satire]


Crowded hallways

Caleb VanArragon and Andrew Davis


If you attend Blaine High School, you are well of aware of how severely overcrowded it is.  As our colleague, Jon Ababiy noted in his article “Op-Ed: Blaine High School is Severely Overcrowded”, our school was built to last for thirty years, but it has been around for forty-four.  If you’ve ever stood in the hallway moving slower than a tortoise, waiting with hundreds of other kids to funnel into the commons, you know that something has to be done.  But what?  Here is a list of possible ways that the school can combat overcrowding.

  1. Stop giving students lunch.  This ingenious solution would work in a number of ways.  First of all, the unused space in the cafeteria could be converted into classrooms, thus reducing the number of students in each classroom.  Also, not feeding students would reduce the amount of space that each student takes up, therefore de-crowding the school even more.  Plus, if students dislike being unable to eat lunch, they could switch schools, leaving us with fewer students.  See how this works?
  2. Take out the pool and put the third floor to use.  As is, the pool on the third floor is a waste of space, being used only by extremely gullible freshmen.  Replacing the pool with a few classrooms would be a logical way to create more space.
  3. Make the school look as intimidating as possible.  Doing this would shoo away potential out-of-district students considering enrolling in BHS, thereby reducing the number of students that the school takes in.  In order to make the school seem foreboding and scary, we suggest that the school be made to look and feel exactly like a prison.  Oh, wait a minute.  It already does.
  4. At a school as crowded as this, classes must be streamlined until only the best classes remain.  Therefore, any classes that are dull, uninteresting, not applicable to life, unnecessary, too hard, or otherwise bad must be removed.  Seeing as it fits most of the criteria, we recommend cutting the math department.
  5. Just give up and wait it out.  In a matter of years, the school will become so crowded that a good chunk of the students will suffocate, leaving the survivors with a clear, wide-open school to learn in.