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The Star-Mangled Banner

Bag Levarnca, Writer and Angry Liberal

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It is no secret that many groups have been marginalized by the United States throughout its history. Native Americans, African Americans, Hispanics, and Nickelback fans have all been subject to awful treatment by both the government and the rest of society. But there is a group that has been blatantly disrespected at every sports game and high school pep fest since the birth of the nation: the blind. Everytime that they attend an event where the national anthem plays, they are reminded of their disability in the most cruel way possible.

“O’ say can you see?”

Need I say more? Probably not, but I’m not going to stop. I know someone whose cousin’s second cousin by marriage’s dog’s previous owner was blind, and I imagine they are awfully offended whenever they hear the bigoted first verse of the Star Spangled Banner. How are they even supposed to know what a star is? Let alone what spangling looks like?

There — like in most cases where a traditionally oppressed minority group demands social equality — is a simple solution to the problem. Like Canada, our now-even-nicer neighbors to the north, we can make our national anthem less offensive. We just need to remove all references to light and color from the national anthem, making it vision-neutral, thus creating an environment for comfortable vision diversity. For instance:

“O’ say can you see?” can become:

“O’ say can you perceive?”

Now, if you’re anything like me (which I assume everyone has to be), then you might be thinking: What about blind and deaf people? To that, I say: shut up. There’s only so much I can do to fix America.

Anyway, a few more lyrics that could use a woke update include:

“By the dawn’s early light,” could become: “By an early sensation of awareness.”

“…twilight’s last gleaming,” offends no one as: “Before last night’s dreaming.”

The lines describing the flag must be scrapped entirely, otherwise there is a possibility that there could be one person that is offended in some small way.

“The rocket’s red glare,” can be simply changed to: “The flag is still there.”

Those are just a few ways that the national anthem can offend fewer people. And I think it is safe to say that if these changes aren’t made, America will crumble and the whole world will laugh at us.

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