Satire: Student Realizes School is Over


Brandon Wagenfeld, Blueprint Contributor, Amateur Satirist, and All-Around Cool Guy


Blaine High School student Naiden Nederson had spent the past 96 hours frantically cramming for finals, trying to remember everything he had learned over the past nine months of AP Bio, AP Psych, and AP Lang, when he realized that he had taken none of the those three classes. “How could I have spent four whole days studying for three classes I wasn’t even enrolled in and not realized it? It must’ve been something with the neurotransmitters,” Nederson recalled, basing his incoherent explanation on the numerous psychology terms he had skimmed over during his apparent fugue state. Nederson reportedly sat through two finals and three PG-13 rated movies during the four-day span, staring blankly at the wall and not registering any attempts at conversation. “It was super weird,” recounted fellow student Joreed Kafkaf, “he’s usually extremely talkative, but it seemed like he had other stuff on his mind.” Sources say Nederson, upon hearing the sound of the final bell, blinked several times in rapid succession and groggily muttered, “wuh, what happened? Is school over with?” Faced with the image of a rapidly emptying classroom and the sounds of exhilarated students in the distance, he pieced together that he was no longer required to return to school for several months. Suddenly, Nederson felt an overwhelming sense of loss, as though something was missing in his life. As he put it, “I just realized that I had so much time on my hands. I never knew how much I needed structure in my life. School… it really gave me a purpose, a reason to continue living.” Faced with the unexpected existential crisis, Nederson reportedly decided to forego his summer vacation to remain in the portables and begin preparing for next year’s AP Calc exam.