Internet Hater Injured by Falling Stalactite [Satire]


Inside the cave of internet hater Oliver Rangotang

Caleb VanArragon and Andrew Davis


Internet hater Oliver Rangotang was admitted to Unity Hospital on Monday after sustaining a serious head injury from a stalactite that fell from the ceiling of his cave.  Mr. Rangotang is now conscious and in stable condition, and should be ready to return to his cave by the end of next week.

According to his wife Shelly, falling stalactites are not a rare occurrence in their household, but this is the first time that a stalactite has struck either of them.  “Oliver feels like he can do his best hating in a dark, cold, and isolated environment, and our underground cave in the middle of the woods gives him all that.  It does have its disadvantages, but it helps Oliver achieve maximum productivity,” she told us.

When pressed for details about what could have caused the stalactite to fall, she said, “Oliver was on the computer and I was sitting nearby.  All of a sudden, Oliver jumped up and started hooting really loudly and beating his chest.  I walked over, and he was pointing at the screen and jumping up and down.  

“I looked at the screen, and he had written this really nasty comment attacking some guy on a website.  He looked really proud of himself.  In his excitement, he turned and ran into the wall, and the vibrations made a stalactite fall and hit him in the head.  He was out cold.”

At 4-foot 5, 175 pounds, with unusually long arms, sloping back, and thick orange hair covering his entire body, doctors had difficulty operating on him. Afterward, they issued a statement to the press: “Mr. Rangotang has been an interesting patient, but he’s recovering well and should be back to hating on people in no time.”

Mr. Rangotang’s nurses added that despite his short attention span, impulsive behavior, and occasional difficulty distinguishing between edible and non-edible objects, his recovery has been surprisingly speedy.

When asked how he was feeling, Mr. Rangotang responded with a series of unintelligible grunts, hoots, and Chewbacca noises.  He then jumped off his bed and attempted to climb up the wall, lost his grip, and landed awkwardly in the trash can.

His wife Shelly told us that Mr. Rangotang would appreciate any gifts from well-wishers and that he is very much looking forward to trolling people again.