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School Emergencies that Mr. Paske Should Declare

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School Emergencies that Mr. Paske Should Declare

BHS Blueprint Staff, Staff

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If you pay attention to the news, you probably know that President Trump recently declared a national emergency in order to build his wall along the US border with Mexico.  Here at the Blueprint, we began pondering school emergencies that Mr. Paske should declare.  Here are some of our ideas.

  • Build a wall, and make the Andover kids pay for it.
  • End the terrible sexism of the bathrooms
  • Label the principal of Champlin Park “Rocket Man”
  • Due to overcrowding in the halls, students should be dismissed every five minutes
  • Install an armed guard inside every bathroom to prevent vaping
  • Require all microaggressions to turn macro
  • Stop serving food to reduce lunch lines
  • Slash everyone’s tires to prevent speeding in the parking lot
  • Purchase an armored tank to prevent people from milling about in the commons
  • Install giant wind turbines in every bathroom to prevent smoking
  • Require students to hunt for food in the woods
  • Post a speed minimum of 10 mph in the halls
  • Fire all the security staff to prevent a coup
  • Terminate Mr. Loo’s cactus immediately
  • End grade inflation by giving Mr. Banse all the honors classes
  • Burn all copies of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance immediately
  • Cut down on inefficient bureaucracy by firing all attendance secretaries and having students self-report when they’re late
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School Emergencies that Mr. Paske Should Declare