Why do we have a late start on Wednesdays? Sure, we all love the extra time to sleep or do homework, but we don’t really need it. If this time is being used to do homework by many students, why can’t we meet with teachers if we need help? I mean, they say they’re in meetings, but why are they having these suspicious breaks on Wednesday mornings? There must be better times to have meetings. This can’t be the real reason teachers are busy on Wednesday, so what is the truth?

After conducting interviews with several teachers and students, I have determined that the real reason we have this “CT Time” is because all the teachers are attending a highly secretive gathering in Ms. Towne’s room. You see, this convocation is really a historically accurate speakeasy where the teachers meet to rant about (and plot the demise of? I suspect this, but have no proof at this time) their students while drinking cucumber water. When questioned, Ms. Towne neither confirmed nor denied the occurrence of these gatherings. Her noncommitance only adds more legitimacy to my theory.

But fear not, fellow students! This ranting I mentioned before is meant to help the teachers stay sane, not to attack the students. It’s just that the students are a source of a lot of the stress teachers have. The speakeasy is a safe place. In fact, when interrogated about these tirades, senior Mitchell King said “I support it.” He thinks this time benefits the students as well because they get teachers who can think clearly while giving the students the information they need to succeed.

However, ranting is not the only way teachers show their emotional sides in these speakeasies. According to English teacher Mr. McCarthy, the teachers also write ballads. At first they tried epic poetry, but that was too long. Then they naturally tried haikus, but those simply weren’t fulfilling enough. However, the ballads seem to be working. Some teachers have even shed tears at their beauty.

Now, clearly the most shocking part of this is that teachers are drinking cucumber water. However this actually makes a lot of sense. According to Lifehack.org, cucumber water has many health benefits including reducing your risk of cancer. So not only are teachers preserving their mental health, but they are lowering their chance of getting cancer. Towne also needed a signal to notify teachers that this was happening on Wednesday mornings. Which is obviously the intention behind the name of this time on the schedule. See, CT really stands for Cucumber Time, not whatever else the teachers are calling it.

However, the mass consumption of cucumber water is not actually a good thing despite the health benefits. You see, they drink so much it is actually harming the environment. What did you think was the reason Minnesota is no longer a top cucumber-producing state? These teachers are consuming so many the soil has been deprived of all nutrients for cucumber growth. If you don’t believe me, freshman Carter Anderson said the faculty members drink gallons at every meeting. According to my investigation, these congregations have been going on for years, so you do the math. The effect of this is now the teachers have to get their drink of choice from Wisconsin, now one of the top cucumber producing states. They must know what their beverage is doing to the environment of Minnesota! Do they understand the larger impacts this could have on climate change? I don’t know either, but it’s bound to be bad! The fact they haven’t changed suggests they don’t believe in climate change. Is it possible the teachers have formed their own organization dedicated to proving climate change is a hoax? I think they already have.

Naturally, due to the significance of their cucumber water, this sort of event is bound to be secretive. This speakeasy is so private it has become dangerous. A secret society of sorts. In fact, when questioned about his attendance to this speakeasy, Mr. Bayer had no comment because of what happened to the last teacher who spoke out. According to him, the previous teacher “fell down the stairs” and was never heard from again. As their disappearance is obviously connected to the speakeasy, I fear I may not have much time left. I bid you farewell, knowing I accomplished at least one thing in my sad and meaningless life.